Would you like a random link so pathetic it’s sort of funny? You do? Great.

I was looking up the video of current New York Giants Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride getting punched in the head by Buddy Ryan, father of a man with a famous foot fetish, in the ’90s when they were both coordinators for the Houston Oilers. What I found in the related videos was pretty funny.

Let me be clear, it’s funny because it’s so short and pointless…and pretty dumb. Still, the guy repeating, “That’s Pam Oliver” while he…well, just see for yourself. Please, feel as smug as you’d like, knowing you’re not this guy.

Everything about this video is perfect. The highest rated comment is “Shes got a fat ass.” and it ends ominously with “to be continued…”

I cannot imagine what could possibly come next. My guess is he records himself being arrested spying on Pam Oliver from the bushes outside her house. Hey, it’s tough to run from the cops with one hand on the camera and the other trying to pull up your pants while it’s all covered in vaseline. That’s a fact.

Don’t be an asshole: Thursday’s 3 Things Holiday Special

A public service announcement: Ladies and gentleman, this holiday season remember to not be an asshole.

Yeah, I get it that Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass that is only exacerbated by all the other holiday planning you have to do, but do not take it out on department store sales associates and, especially, checkers.

I’ve had some experience holding down similar jobs in the past and can tell you these kids get paid shit, receive relatively little useful training and are only trying to earn a few bucks after school. Hey, they’re better than the little shits who just get money from their parents for doing nothing. At least these kids are trying.

And I can tell you, none of these store employees is an expert on the store’s entire stock. they are full-time students for Chrissake. They don’t have the time to devote to studying the prices and locations of everything the store sells. And with their shitty pay they don’t have to motivation to do so.

This is especially true in large stores like Wal-mart where the amount of departments and products is insane. Those poor checkers do not know what the store charges for everything so if you try to purchase an item with no price tag on it don’t get pissed at the checker that it takes forever to do a price check. Do you know what a price check entails? There’s a lot of steps.

First the checker has to get on the storewide paging system and page the associate in the proper department who might be busy with some other whiny unreasonable customer. Then the checker must wait for that associate to call them back, which could take awhile. Then the checker must describe the product to associate and stand around waiting for the associate to find the appropriate price and call back again. All that can take, like, 5 minutes which seems like an eternity while waiting in a checkout line that isn’t moving but keeps growing longer. Then the checker has to hit special buttons on the register to be able to enter an item manually, all because some anonymous shit head customer ripped off the price tag or becaues the vendor printed an crappy bar code that wouldn’t scan.

None of this is the fault of the hapless checker, yet the checker is the one who has to deal with the customers who act pissed off at them for taking up their precious holiday preparation time. Be sure to be extra appreciative of any checker who has even a hint of a smile forced on their face and welcomes you with any bit of civility. Surely that must take an amazing amount of effort on their part. An amount of effort that should be way beyond their pay grade.

And if your checker is an adult rather than a teenager, they have likely been beaten by life already. Don’t kick them while they’re down. It’s the holidays after all.

Just be nice, you pack of wild animals.

Also, looking at past Thursday’s 3 Things, I saw the order went Reason to live, Reason to kill, Reason to die. I don’t like that. It makes more sense to go Live, Die, Kill. So that’s how I’m doing it from now on.

I know change can be difficult but I’m sure you will all be able to pull through it. Keep your faith in the Christmas spirit and all will be well.

Reason to live: self deception

Peppermint candy cane bikini: the perfect gift for the lingerie model in your life.

This is the time of year to warm your own soul with delusions of a better future. The time of year to believe the good really does come out in everyone. The time of year to believe that you will turn over a new leaf and be better and more appreciative of the things you have and more caring of your loved ones.

Yes, indeed. If only everybody could just choose to make everyday Christmas and treat everyone with the kindness that the holiday season invokes in us all!

And look at the beautiful snow! Is there anything more perfect than a white Christmas? Forget that in another month we’ll all be sick of staring at the stained brown frozen slop that the snow has become and that the below-freezing temperatures and lack of sunlight will be wearing on everyone’s nerves…Uh Oh. My Grinch side is peeking out there.

Moving on.

Hey, what about New Year’s resolutions? This year’s gonna be totally different and we can all follow through this time and make them last! My resolution will be to continue drinking way too much. Remember, if you set the bar low…

Reason to die: unmet expectations

"You see, Grandma! Pissed my pants. We're not so different, you old bitch!"

Not quite where you thought you’d be after another long year, eh? Or worse, you’re not quite where your family and friends expected you to be after another long year. And now you have to face them all.

And they’ll face you, with pity in their eyes and they’ll pretend like you’re not a disappointment. But you know they think that. And maybe they’ll remark about how much booze you’re throwing down to soften the jabs from their backhanded compliments. So you’ll hit the sauce even harder.

No kids yet? Not married yet? No progress in your career? Jeebz, you didn’t realize how little you truly have accomplished until now. Plus, you can only afford to buy everybody’s presents from the clearance rack of Wal-Mart while they went to Macy’s for your gifts.

Goddammit. Fuck you, holidays. If this is the best that life can provide then what’s the point? Hmmmm……but maybe next year I can make some real progress. Maybe a New Year’s resolution is in order. Then you can show them….or maybe not.

Reason to kill: Neighborly holiday lights display rivalry

I would have gone with red and white candy cane stockings over rainbow ones. More tasteful.

This scenario is played out constantly in shitty sit-coms and Christmas movies. It’s played out so often in popular media that it seems likely that it never actually happens. But given how bored suburbanites can get and how petty most people are, I like to believe this is pretty common. I prefer to live in a world where neighbors are obsessively trying to one-up the Joneses and make their lights display the best in the neighborhood. Or at least make it the pride of the cul-de-sac.

Eventually, some has to lose their cool and take to violence. The pressure from the holidays can drive people to crazy extremes.

After all, that fucking prick Joe across the street is just fucking relentless. It doesn’t matter what you do he will spare no expense to immediately find something better. And more of it to boot.

His 12-foot inflatable Santa makes your 10-foot one look lame. And that thing he does where he syncs the lights up to that shitty Trans-Siberian Orchestra song? Jesus, it’s a bit much.

And somehow he can just keep adding and modifying without making his yard seemed cluttered and without anything ever clashing or seeming out of place.

Sleep well tonight, Joe. I’ve got a feeling some of your wiring is about to go haywire tonight and set your house ablaze. Yeah, it’s just a feeling I have.

(Images via here and here)

This week in MS Paint featuring gay bashing and puppy bashing

Here are the definitive moments of the week eternally memorialized using the only medium elegant enough to handle such a task: MS Paint. These are the truly iconic images that will shape how you forever remember these moments in history.

Report shows US troops support allowing gays to openly serve in the military; John McCain reacts

John McCain is surprised his trusty "torch defense" is not as effective against reality as it was against Frankenstein's monster.

Lebron James returns to Cleveland; improves his WWE villain persona by antagonizing whiny jilted city

Before his flight to Cleveland, Lebron James gleefully hones his true talent and passion: clubbing puppies to death.

 

Yahoo! provides incredibly annoying read. You should read it!

You know what grinds my gears? Blatantly stolen lines from “Family Guy.” That’s what.

Just kidding.

What actually pisses me off is people liking shitty television shows. You know what else? People who stop liking a show because they think they would make great writers and think a show is terrible because it pursues some plot line or introduces some character or does anything they don’t like. They don’t admit the show just might not be for them.

And guess what else pisses me off. People who feel this way about a show that actually is terrible. The people who like a terrible show but then decide the show is now crap because they don’t like one aspect of it when actually the show was awful all along.

And now, Yahoo! gave these people an outlet to put these stupid gripes about annoying television shows on my computer screen and I feel so angry.

Here’s the link. Just read it. It’s a short slideshow.

Just imagine the quoted gripes being mumbled by someone in between picking their nose and shoveling a KFC Double Down in their stupid mouth.

Gotta admit, though. This was just the thing I needed to get my blood going before I go to the gym.

This week in MS Paint featuring a Nancy Pelosi upskirt shot

Here are the definitive moments of the week eternally memorialized using the only medium elegant enough to handle such a task: MS Paint. These are the truly iconic images that will shape how you forever remember these moments in history.

The 38th Installment of the Harry Potter movies hit theaters

I’ve never actually seen any of these movies or read the books but I assume by now Harry’s got to be at least in his 40s and is holding down a steady job. Seriously, he’s pretty old by now, right?

This series never ends.

Stay-at-home dad Brian St. Pierre called upon to start at QB for NFL team

Practice makes perfect. Hey, you show me a better way to bond with your 18-month-old kid. Babies are so useless.

Nancy Pelosi defeats a challenger for Democrat party majority leader

Is anyone else not surprised at the amount of flames beneath her skirt? No? Well, I bet Heath Shuler, her challenger and former crappy NFL quarterback, was surprised, too.

FLAMING JUGGERNAUT!

Today in random things heard at a village board meeting

Today I attended a village board meeting for a story on which I am working. The village is home to about 700 people somewhere in Central Illinois.

And, being the responsible journalist I am, I wrote down the two funniest quotes that, though they are taken out of context, were just as hilarious and inane even with the context included.

These two quotes came from the same lady during a speech about how cell phone towers cause cancer:

“Ask me why I have Michael Jackson disease. I’m not black but I have it.”

And then she finished her all-too-long schpiel with, “Erin Brockovich is out there somewhere.”‘

BOOM. That just happened. I love democracy.

This week in (NSFW) MS Paint featuring a fire-breathing eagle and mouth rape

Here are a the definitive moments of the week eternally memorialized using the only medium elegant enough to handle such a task: MS Paint.

 

Conan’s Triumphant return to late night television

 

 

Dallas Cowboys Coach Wade Phillips gets the axe mid-season

 

 

Veteran’s Day and Marine Corps. Birthday (Totally Badass)

 

Wow, what an intense week. Life be cray-zee, yo!

A drunk announcement

Tonight, while I’m too drunk at 10:45 p.m. on a Thursday, I will admit a nearly decade-long secret that I have shared with former WWE wrestler Nick Foley: I like, or at least liked, Tori Amos.

Here, read his account of his relationship with the broodingly hot redhead.

Now, as of this post I have not read Foley’s whole post, but I read some earlier post about Foley’s post and I feel that is enough.

Anyway, since I’m too drunk right now I will admit that I’ve been to a Tori Amos concert. It was at UWGB and I was aged in the range of 17-19 years old. I was a brooding stoner and I appreciated her moody, piano-playing, super-self absorbed ruminations.

I have not listened to her in about a decade and I am not sure whether it is because she put out a couple albums my lady friends at the time labeled as “not good” or if it’s because the inner chauvinist in me won and declared that only pussies listen to Tori Amos. Either way, I have no idea what direction Amos’s career has taken in the last 7 or 8 years, but Mick Foley’s, Cactus Jack’s article reminded me of a much more sensitive/pussy* time in my life.

*the author is not sure which adjective properly applies here. he supposes y’all can pick whichever you’d like. he still has some vodka and tonic to finish.

Update: I’m sober now and can say without a doubt that only pussies listen to Tori Amos.

Bad-ass gay tattoo artist professor who catalogued his humpings? Boomcity.

The book, “Secret Historian: The Life and Times of Sam Steward, Professor, Tattoo Artist, and Sexual Renegade,” looks amazing in this Boing Boing review and I can’t wait to read it. Seriously, judging by this description Mr. Steward lived the most bad-ass life ever. I think I’ve finally found the counterculture homosexual rebel tough-guy philosopher intellectual hero I’ve been looking for my whole life.

I need something to follow up “Generation Kill” and to keep me occupied until Justin Bieber’s book comes out in October. (Man, I can’t believe it’s not called “Beliebing in Forever.” Nah—the one they picked is way better.)

BTW, book lovers. If you still enjoy reading physical, material copies of books, always be sure to check out Abebooks for really cheap deals before resorting to Amazon. It just makes sense.

“Don’t you tell a fucking soul, you little prick”:Thursday’s 3 things

Wow. It’s been awhile. Miss your 3 things? Well, too bad.

I’ve got a lot going on as well as a job that actually pays me. And you bastards can’t even reply to a simple request for ideas. I got one response from my plea earlier this summer so you can all suck it and take what I give you. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Really, though. I’m probably gonna get away from the regular Thursday’s 3 Things post and post more randomly. I’ll try to do it more often with different column gimmicks and other shorter commentary type stuff and replies to links I find around the interwebz.

Don’t worry, I’ll still post a Thursday’s 3 Things every now and then when the mood strikes, like tonight, when I’m just lounging, drinking and watching football.

Beeteedubs–Thank God football’s back. Enough said about that.

Also, if you want to read my sports related bitchings go to www.bareknucks.com on the first morning of every work week. I have a weekly column there where I list the sports related personalities every week toward whom you should direct you daily aggression. It’s like a weekly hater’s guide.

So let’s now get to the reason you’re here. I might behave harshly toward you but I actually missed the hell out of the couple dozen of you who actually read this. Let’s kiss and make up.

…whoa, keep those hands north of the border, bub. This ain’t “Jersey Shore.”

Reason to live: keeping secrets

Are Meg Ryan’s lips procedurally enhanced? She’s not telling!

Via

Keeping secrets makes you unique, buddy. You might have no character, no personality and terrible looks, but you can always keep a secret about yourself to ensure that you know something nobody else does.

And finding out secrets from others is always great because then you have power over that person because you could always tell other people about it.

And you can almost always create more secrets, too. In a crowded room and people want to know who laid that stank-ass fart? Your lips are sealed. You’re golden as long as you don’t laugh too much. And if you think somebody’s going to blame you, blame them first. Fuck ’em.

Secrets are great. I mean they are so great that men will cheat on their hot wives with ugly chicks just for the thrill of the secret. It’s happened before.

So enjoy your shitty daily encounters with people knowing they don’t know what you know. And try to find out what they know that you don’t just for the challenge of it. Just remember, keep your mouth shut. (Eek. That sounds like something date rapists say.)

Reason to kill: to keep a secret

“Oh that’s good boy. Hey, not on the suit! I will kill you if you tell anyone about this.” –Tom Cruise

Via

So you trusted that slick little fuck and now that cuntrag is gonna tell everybody, huh?

Well, what do they want in return for silence? Hah! Just kidding. You’re not gonna give it to ’em.

Fuck no, you’re not. Who knows when the prick will just demand more? Nope. You’re gonna have to put a stop to this shit.

Kill that bitch. Kill that bitch and give yourself one more awesome secret. And don’t go all psycho and freak out like that bitch in “The Telltale Heart.” No. You’ll kill that bitch into complete silence. Fuck yeah.

After all, you don’t want everybody knowing you pissed the bed until you were eight years old…Wait!….Aw fuck.

Reason to die: washing the dishes

Is it weird that I find this drawing really sexy? Like, sexier than those video game chicks, even. I think it's because she's clearly a hipster.

This shit is the worst. I’d probably rather have AIDS than do the dishes and I’m not sure why I hate it. It must be the result of generations of conditioning to not like it.

This shit just always ruins my mood, even though it really doesn’t take that much time. It’s not even that labor intensive.

It just sucks, especially if you are like me and you don’t have a dishwasher. I just hate scrubbing old food off of shit and dealing with quickly soiled water. And then putting that shit away. Just to have shit to prepare and eat food. Man, if I was still single I would just have paper plates and plastic picnic utenstils that I would throw out when I felt like it.

Got a big stack of dirty dishes in your kitchen? Well, you’ve got two choices: wash them or kill yourself.

Remember, one of those options is only temporary and guarantees you’ll just have to do the dishes again sometime soon.