Wow. It’s been awhile. Miss your 3 things? Well, too bad.
I’ve got a lot going on as well as a job that actually pays me. And you bastards can’t even reply to a simple request for ideas. I got one response from my plea earlier this summer so you can all suck it and take what I give you. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Really, though. I’m probably gonna get away from the regular Thursday’s 3 Things post and post more randomly. I’ll try to do it more often with different column gimmicks and other shorter commentary type stuff and replies to links I find around the interwebz.
Don’t worry, I’ll still post a Thursday’s 3 Things every now and then when the mood strikes, like tonight, when I’m just lounging, drinking and watching football.
Beeteedubs–Thank God football’s back. Enough said about that.
Also, if you want to read my sports related bitchings go to www.bareknucks.com on the first morning of every work week. I have a weekly column there where I list the sports related personalities every week toward whom you should direct you daily aggression. It’s like a weekly hater’s guide.
So let’s now get to the reason you’re here. I might behave harshly toward you but I actually missed the hell out of the couple dozen of you who actually read this. Let’s kiss and make up.
…whoa, keep those hands north of the border, bub. This ain’t “Jersey Shore.”
Reason to live: keeping secrets
- Are Meg Ryan’s lips procedurally enhanced? She’s not telling!
Keeping secrets makes you unique, buddy. You might have no character, no personality and terrible looks, but you can always keep a secret about yourself to ensure that you know something nobody else does.
And finding out secrets from others is always great because then you have power over that person because you could always tell other people about it.
And you can almost always create more secrets, too. In a crowded room and people want to know who laid that stank-ass fart? Your lips are sealed. You’re golden as long as you don’t laugh too much. And if you think somebody’s going to blame you, blame them first. Fuck ’em.
Secrets are great. I mean they are so great that men will cheat on their hot wives with ugly chicks just for the thrill of the secret. It’s happened before.
So enjoy your shitty daily encounters with people knowing they don’t know what you know. And try to find out what they know that you don’t just for the challenge of it. Just remember, keep your mouth shut. (Eek. That sounds like something date rapists say.)
Reason to kill: to keep a secret
- “Oh that’s good boy. Hey, not on the suit! I will kill you if you tell anyone about this.” –Tom Cruise
So you trusted that slick little fuck and now that cuntrag is gonna tell everybody, huh?
Well, what do they want in return for silence? Hah! Just kidding. You’re not gonna give it to ’em.
Fuck no, you’re not. Who knows when the prick will just demand more? Nope. You’re gonna have to put a stop to this shit.
Kill that bitch. Kill that bitch and give yourself one more awesome secret. And don’t go all psycho and freak out like that bitch in “The Telltale Heart.” No. You’ll kill that bitch into complete silence. Fuck yeah.
After all, you don’t want everybody knowing you pissed the bed until you were eight years old…Wait!….Aw fuck.
Reason to die: washing the dishes
Is it weird that I find this drawing really sexy? Like, sexier than those video game chicks, even. I think it's because she's clearly a hipster.
This shit is the worst. I’d probably rather have AIDS than do the dishes and I’m not sure why I hate it. It must be the result of generations of conditioning to not like it.
This shit just always ruins my mood, even though it really doesn’t take that much time. It’s not even that labor intensive.
It just sucks, especially if you are like me and you don’t have a dishwasher. I just hate scrubbing old food off of shit and dealing with quickly soiled water. And then putting that shit away. Just to have shit to prepare and eat food. Man, if I was still single I would just have paper plates and plastic picnic utenstils that I would throw out when I felt like it.
Got a big stack of dirty dishes in your kitchen? Well, you’ve got two choices: wash them or kill yourself.
Remember, one of those options is only temporary and guarantees you’ll just have to do the dishes again sometime soon.