Don’t be an asshole: Thursday’s 3 Things Holiday Special

A public service announcement: Ladies and gentleman, this holiday season remember to not be an asshole.

Yeah, I get it that Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass that is only exacerbated by all the other holiday planning you have to do, but do not take it out on department store sales associates and, especially, checkers.

I’ve had some experience holding down similar jobs in the past and can tell you these kids get paid shit, receive relatively little useful training and are only trying to earn a few bucks after school. Hey, they’re better than the little shits who just get money from their parents for doing nothing. At least these kids are trying.

And I can tell you, none of these store employees is an expert on the store’s entire stock. they are full-time students for Chrissake. They don’t have the time to devote to studying the prices and locations of everything the store sells. And with their shitty pay they don’t have to motivation to do so.

This is especially true in large stores like Wal-mart where the amount of departments and products is insane. Those poor checkers do not know what the store charges for everything so if you try to purchase an item with no price tag on it don’t get pissed at the checker that it takes forever to do a price check. Do you know what a price check entails? There’s a lot of steps.

First the checker has to get on the storewide paging system and page the associate in the proper department who might be busy with some other whiny unreasonable customer. Then the checker must wait for that associate to call them back, which could take awhile. Then the checker must describe the product to associate and stand around waiting for the associate to find the appropriate price and call back again. All that can take, like, 5 minutes which seems like an eternity while waiting in a checkout line that isn’t moving but keeps growing longer. Then the checker has to hit special buttons on the register to be able to enter an item manually, all because some anonymous shit head customer ripped off the price tag or becaues the vendor printed an crappy bar code that wouldn’t scan.

None of this is the fault of the hapless checker, yet the checker is the one who has to deal with the customers who act pissed off at them for taking up their precious holiday preparation time. Be sure to be extra appreciative of any checker who has even a hint of a smile forced on their face and welcomes you with any bit of civility. Surely that must take an amazing amount of effort on their part. An amount of effort that should be way beyond their pay grade.

And if your checker is an adult rather than a teenager, they have likely been beaten by life already. Don’t kick them while they’re down. It’s the holidays after all.

Just be nice, you pack of wild animals.

Also, looking at past Thursday’s 3 Things, I saw the order went Reason to live, Reason to kill, Reason to die. I don’t like that. It makes more sense to go Live, Die, Kill. So that’s how I’m doing it from now on.

I know change can be difficult but I’m sure you will all be able to pull through it. Keep your faith in the Christmas spirit and all will be well.

Reason to live: self deception

Peppermint candy cane bikini: the perfect gift for the lingerie model in your life.

This is the time of year to warm your own soul with delusions of a better future. The time of year to believe the good really does come out in everyone. The time of year to believe that you will turn over a new leaf and be better and more appreciative of the things you have and more caring of your loved ones.

Yes, indeed. If only everybody could just choose to make everyday Christmas and treat everyone with the kindness that the holiday season invokes in us all!

And look at the beautiful snow! Is there anything more perfect than a white Christmas? Forget that in another month we’ll all be sick of staring at the stained brown frozen slop that the snow has become and that the below-freezing temperatures and lack of sunlight will be wearing on everyone’s nerves…Uh Oh. My Grinch side is peeking out there.

Moving on.

Hey, what about New Year’s resolutions? This year’s gonna be totally different and we can all follow through this time and make them last! My resolution will be to continue drinking way too much. Remember, if you set the bar low…

Reason to die: unmet expectations

"You see, Grandma! Pissed my pants. We're not so different, you old bitch!"

Not quite where you thought you’d be after another long year, eh? Or worse, you’re not quite where your family and friends expected you to be after another long year. And now you have to face them all.

And they’ll face you, with pity in their eyes and they’ll pretend like you’re not a disappointment. But you know they think that. And maybe they’ll remark about how much booze you’re throwing down to soften the jabs from their backhanded compliments. So you’ll hit the sauce even harder.

No kids yet? Not married yet? No progress in your career? Jeebz, you didn’t realize how little you truly have accomplished until now. Plus, you can only afford to buy everybody’s presents from the clearance rack of Wal-Mart while they went to Macy’s for your gifts.

Goddammit. Fuck you, holidays. If this is the best that life can provide then what’s the point? Hmmmm……but maybe next year I can make some real progress. Maybe a New Year’s resolution is in order. Then you can show them….or maybe not.

Reason to kill: Neighborly holiday lights display rivalry

I would have gone with red and white candy cane stockings over rainbow ones. More tasteful.

This scenario is played out constantly in shitty sit-coms and Christmas movies. It’s played out so often in popular media that it seems likely that it never actually happens. But given how bored suburbanites can get and how petty most people are, I like to believe this is pretty common. I prefer to live in a world where neighbors are obsessively trying to one-up the Joneses and make their lights display the best in the neighborhood. Or at least make it the pride of the cul-de-sac.

Eventually, some has to lose their cool and take to violence. The pressure from the holidays can drive people to crazy extremes.

After all, that fucking prick Joe across the street is just fucking relentless. It doesn’t matter what you do he will spare no expense to immediately find something better. And more of it to boot.

His 12-foot inflatable Santa makes your 10-foot one look lame. And that thing he does where he syncs the lights up to that shitty Trans-Siberian Orchestra song? Jesus, it’s a bit much.

And somehow he can just keep adding and modifying without making his yard seemed cluttered and without anything ever clashing or seeming out of place.

Sleep well tonight, Joe. I’ve got a feeling some of your wiring is about to go haywire tonight and set your house ablaze. Yeah, it’s just a feeling I have.

(Images via here and here)

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About Ken Harris

I like whisky. And whiskey, too. And I like you.
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