I have one grand, brave statement to make before we get to the goods: Shark Week sucks.
There it is.
I mean it was cool the first five times I watched it as a kid, but after that it’s no longer an event. You can catch individual shark programming throughout the year. So it’s not like you need this one week to get your shark fill.
Really, sharks just eat things. And swim. Yeah, they’re bad ass but their Discovery Channel-produced week is not.
Fuck shark week. $1,000 to the first person that can convince me shark week is worth my time. Good luck.
Reason to live: Stupid new sports
Hey, people consider ultimate frisbee to be a sport now. Well, at least some people. Too many people, in fact.
Plus eating is a competitive, organized sport as well. Gluttony is no longer a deadly sin. It is a marketable commodity.
I’m sure we’ve all seen the movie BASEketball enough times to know that it’s totally possible that a new sport could come out and totally match with your skill set.
Maybe clockwork daily explosive morning shitting will become an organized sport someday. If it does I will no longer be a repugnant nobody. I will be a stone-cold God to millions of adoring “Stankthrust” fans. People will sell my dirty underpants on Ebay for thousands of dollars. A pair with skidmarks will sell for triple price.
I’m just waiting until humans figure out a way to measure apathy. I’m sure I’ll be somewhere near the top of the world rankings. I imagine tournaments consisting of people looking at horrifically tragic photos and having their apathy levels metered side-by-side. This will be riveting.
On second thought, I might no be so good at this. I almost lost my shit when a tiny bird flew right under my car on the highway and I could feel it’s tiny, little fat bubble of a body smack against the undercarriage of my car right where the soles of my feet were. It was a tiny little flying nugget!
I could feel it explode against my car.
Like a true apathy champ, however, I continued on to the courthouse where I covered criminal court and listened to the shitty things people do to each other without even a small twitch of caring.
So, just hold out, people. You never know what stupid thing will be turned into a competition which you can straight rock with your mad skillz.
Reason to kill: You’ve been triple dog dared
It’s a fact that has been proven again and again using the scientific method: you cannot turn down a triple dog dare.
If someone triple dog dares you to kill them you have to do it. Plain and simple. I hope they gave you a gun and not a knife, though. That could probably get messy. Maybe you can use a pillow and kill them softly by smothering them to death.
Be smart about it, though. Get that triple dog dare signed and notarized. I’m pretty sure this will protect you from prosecution. That’s what screwed over Jack Kevorkian.
Reason to die: You’ve just had your heart ripped out by a bad-ass ninja
Another short entry here. I mean, good luck living without that heart.
There’s no way anybody could put that thing back together before you die. You should have considered this possibility before you went and pissed off that ninja.
How long can a human live after that? Is death instantaneous? Do you writhe in pain until you bleed to death? Do you go into unconscious shock until you bleed to death?
You’re about to find out, idiot. Really, how do you get your heart torn out by a ninja? That’s as bad as the morons who get run over by trains. Do not fuck with ninjas and do not try to cross the tracks at the same moment a huge, loud train is passing.