Magic water, rotten ol’ coots and a Spike Lee flashback: Thursday’s 3 things

Today, I post in my underpants like a true blogger. Here’s what it looks like.

I actually think this is from Jordi La Forge's Calvin Klein shoot. Keep it in your pants, trekkies.

I considered making up a trend for the reason to live this week. Something like “Key parties are making a comeback. And they’re not just for married couples anymore!”

It would be fun if people acted on the assumption that this was true and then it became true. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe.

Then again, who knows? I just might do this anyway now that I see how fun it really looks. What other bullshit could I use?

  • Celebrities rub conditioner on their taints after showers to smell clean all day (this seems to me like it could actually work . think I’m gonna try it tomorrow instead of showering.)
  • Christianity is Cool!
  • Rabies gets you high. Catch it!
  • Soccer: It’s not only fun to watch, it’s fun to play! And cheap, too!

I could easily turn all of these into great reasons to live. Especially that second one. Man, those Christians need a reason to live.

Anyway, I know one of my personal reasons to live is the spam comments I get on some of my posts. They’re always so nice. It really makes me feel good. I don’t really care what these people have to gain by posting spam comments on my blog but I don’t care, either. You can go back through some of the posts and find these. They’re easy to spot. I always approve them. It’s a confidence builder.

I am definitely not the kind of person who prefers honesty to ass kissing.

“Hey, you don’t really think my jumpshot looks like Ray Allen’s, do you? Gee, thanks a lot!”

“Yeah, man, I cut my hair myself. Saves money and I think I’m really good at it. You think so? Thanks, man. I’ll cut yours if you want. Oh. Okay. Nevermind, then. Maybe later when you get some spare time.”

Reason to live: The fountain of youth

Caution: Fountain of Youth water erodes clothing.

It’s out there, you lazy fucks. You just have to go find it. But when you get there don’t make the classic mistake of getting too wet and turning yourself into a baby, or sperm or something. Please, use responsibly and in moderation.

Some people say they wouldn’t use this because they would miss their loved ones after they grow old and die. Or they say this goes against the natural order of things.


I’m pretty sure it’s a natural well spring so it can’t go against nature. That’s basic Geology 101. Plus, saying you’d miss your family and friends is a position that assumes you wouldn’t give them any of the water. What the fuck is wrong with you? Share, for chrissakes!

And if you don’t want to then you’re a soulless asshole like me and are convinced you’d get over the loss of your sweeties in due time. All in due time. Plus you wouldn’t be so skittish about getting married. Til death do us part? Fine. I got time.

You’d also have plenty of time to master skills you would never master in a single lifetime. I bet by the time you–or me, acutally– hit 300, your game with the girls would be perfected. You’d be slicker than the Most Interesting Man in the World. Chyup. He could eat a dick.

Or you could be a true American capitalist and sell some of that shit. You could charge a fuck-ton of money for it. You could set yourself up for your long, long, long life with just a sale or two to the right rich fucks. Of course, then you’d have to put up with a world where those same rich fucks will also live for a long time. No, you want the monopoly on that privelege, don’t you? Just don’t sell them a second dose, I guess. Also, keep as much for yourself as you possibly can. It’s a Fountain of Youth, not a Fountain of Eternal Life.

Or is it?

Better go find out!

Reason to kill: “You just smudged my sneaker!”

His Jordans are fucked up!

Seriously. Whydon’tyouwatchwhereyou’regoin’!

Yeah, you’re sorry. That don’t unsmudge my sneaker. IT’S FUCKED UP, MAN!

You fuckin’ bitch. Thisshitain’tfunny. You think it’s funny? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Know how much these shoes cost? No. You don’t. You can’t afford these muthafuckas. So how the hell you gonna replace ’em? Yeah you better think quick, you broke ass, no class having, disrespectin’ me in my own neighborhood muthafucka.

I’ll take it outta yo’ ass.

Oh, you ain’t got no money? Well…let me see what me and my boys can do to help you out…

Reason to die: Things ain’t what they used to be

I'll drink with ya, buddy, but I don't wanna hear any bitching. Only filthy old jokes.

Yes, you’re fucking old and I hate how annoying you are. Seriously, you’ve been around forever and all you can do is gripe about how things used to be different? Like that shit just happened overnight? Aren’t you supposed to be wise enough to know, understand, and even expect that everything always changes?

Fuck you. Die.

And was the old shit really any better? No. You just can’t make the effort to learn how to use all this new-fangled technology, you old twat.

Really, though, I can understand the laziness and having no desire to learn the shit. After all, how long will you get to use it before you die, anyway? But at least be comfortable with and acknowledge that you’re fine without it and the world isn’t going to hell just because it has past you by. You don’t have to piss on everybody else’s parade.

I recently had some old dude in a very rural area of Illinois tell me he thinks guys who wear shorts are gay. WTF? That’s a huge section of the population, buddy. If every guy that wears shorts were gay, there’d likely be a lot less of those hillbilly teenage girls in you town walking around with babies in their guts. Well, except for the ones who are carrying their daddy’s child.

God, I can’t wait til I’m old and it’s acceptable for me to not care what anybody else in the world is doing. But I’m not gonna criticize them for my own apathy. Hell, I never have.


About Ken Harris

I like whisky. And whiskey, too. And I like you.
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3 Responses to Magic water, rotten ol’ coots and a Spike Lee flashback: Thursday’s 3 things

  1. Big Sis says:

    WTF, was this guy referring to you because you were wearing shorts? and if he is point me in the direction and me and your other big sis will kick his fucking ass!! Nobody insults my brother like that, let me at him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Ken Harris says:

      Whoa, there! I actually wasn’t wearing shorts at the time.

      I was working and covering Mason County courts. I mentioned it was so fucking hot I wanted to wear shorts and then this old dude brought that up.

      He actually said it like this, “I think all guys that wear shorts are a little…” and then he did the pansy, floppy wrist gesture. Pretty funny. What an old douche.

  2. Big Sis says:

    oh, BTW (i feel a little younger using these stupid texting phrases), I know what you mean about how I can’t wait until I am geriatric and can say anything I want without any repercussions and people will just brush it off that I am a crazy old lady (which I kind of am already) but then it will be acceptable.

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