I am flying to Washington D.C. tomorrow to pick up my girlfriend and drive back in her father’s old SUV that he is giving her. I have to miss a family weekend at Six Flags Great America but sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Besides, I really hate their commercials with that fake spry old guy dancing to that obnoxious song that nobody actually associates with parties and good times.
I asked my girlfriend to look for possible fun stops on our route so we can break up the drive. Here is the list she e-mailed me.
donley’s wild west town
RV hall of fame
Duct tape capitol of the world
mini golf inside a funeral home
My response? “Holy guacamole!”
Yes, I use that phrase in writing.
But just look at that list. It’s fucking amazing. We’ll never make it back to the midwest with that itinerary. Do you have any idea how much time I could waste driving out of my way to visit the duct tape capitol of the world? A lot of time, that’s how much. And just how does an RV earn the honor of a place in the hall of fame? Is it just lame photos of old people who documented how many total miles they traveled in their house on wheels? Probably! But I’ll never know until I go there!
So much promise! So much probability of being let down!
//closes eyes real tight
///wishes real hard
Reason to live: Hey, it probably can’t get any worse. It almost has to get better.
This thing is an oldie but a goodie. And it seems pretty relevant and likely right about now.
Shit, the heat is unbearable. Leaking oil is killing all sorts of life and destroying sexy beach destinations. The World Cup is causing people to keep trying to convince America that soccer is not shitty. (I feel my resolve breaking down!) Lebron James is annoyingly omnipresent in sports media because there is fuck else going on. The Cold War is reheating (though spy swaps are pretty badass). Summer television sucks though it’s too hot to go outside. Plus, China is taking over the world (even obesity!).
But keep your chin up, kiddo. It’ll get better. It has to. It sure can’t get any worse. Sure you feel shitty now but you’ll feel better just as soon as things start looking up. And they will. They will…trust me….things’ll start looking up anytime now…anytime…
Aw, fuck it.
Reason to kill: This guy just stole your parking spot
The son of a bitch! You were just about to park there.
You had your fucking blinker on and everything! And he just raced on in there like some big shot.
What the fuck? Is he in some sort of hurry to go fuck himself? Does he think his time is more important than yours that you can waste yours finding a spot, claiming one, and then finding another one?
Goddammit, he even looks like a fucking prick and he has a fucking personalized plate! And it doesn’t even make sense!
You know what. That piece of shit has to come out of that bank sooner or later. And you’ll be right here with a surprise for him…Hahaha!
Oh, wait. There’s a spot opening up over there! Hurry!
Reason to die: There’s still another Twilight movie coming out
People who hate the Twilight movies because it ruins the vampire myth are retardedly wrong. The vampire myth has changed so much over the years already, fuckwads. There are so many better reasons to hate this shit than that. Okay? I mean, who the fuck cares enough about the vampire mythology that they care if someone makes another change to it? Fuck. I have plenty of other things that I worry about that the reputation of vampires is not ever on my mind.
I tried to watch the first movie once with my girlfriend and she requested that we turn it off. I imagine it was at around the halfway mark. Everything was so stilted and forced that I thought I was really high and missing important transitions and shit. Not even plot transitions but simple, adult writing transitions from one sentence of dialogue to the next.
It’s like everyone was always addressing a sentence that was never communicated to them. It’s making me angry just thinking about it right now. Those people get so much money for that! Fuck!
Also, I saw Ashley Greene on Chelsea Lately and am convinced she must be the most conceited bitch ever. Her whole interview she sounded like when stuck up whores talk to someone and it’s obvious they are only pretending to be human when they are really just thinking about how awesome they are. She made me wanna choke a bitch. I was so pissed off I couldn’t even fantasize about her afterward. What a twat.
So, yeah. That shit gets way too much attention for a b-film. And we’ll all have to listen to the squeaky, screamy hype again next year. It’s so bad I can’t even like it ironically. Sorry, hipsters.