Shitty situational tips for: The casual babysitter

Myself and my tiny nugget of a girlfriend babysat my oldest sister’s two daughters a couple months ago. Big Sis and her hubby warned me months earlier that if I never babysat their kids now they would never babysit my kids if I have any in the future.

Since I would never be cruel enough to deprive the world of my progeny forever, this was a real scary thought. So I gave in.

My sister and her husband dropped off the kids and left me with two tiny, adorable fucking monsters and my girlfriend in our apartment early on a Saturday afternoon with no hope of escape for 24 hours. One is 3 and one is 1 1/2 years old. I think.


Really, though, it was a learning experience. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. It’s just a matter of putting in the effort, not necessarily being a genius. Just keep those little fuckers busy and you’re good to go, basically.

Here are a few situational tips to guide anyone else who is typically terrified of being trusted with babies for fear of killing them either accidentally or purposely. These tips should help avoid needless baby deaths.

You need to feed them and kill a lot of time

Do: Take them to Red Robin.

Don’t: Lock them in a closet while you heat up some frozen french fries.

Locking babies in a closet, while it keeps them out of trouble, will not lower the noise of the chirrens. Nothing will. The faster you realize that and accept it, the better. Instead, take them to this insanely loud restaurant with delicious food. I went to this restaurant once before and it’s delicious but the decor is just too much for any sane person to handle…unless you got kids.

Kids are naturally insane so they love it. And you don’t have to worry about the kid embarrassing you because the place is loaded with kids doing insane kid shit. You blend right in. Plus the staff is totally used to it, too. They’re fucking pros at handling people trying to deal with kids while ordering and eating. Really, that has to be the most annoying place to work.

You’ve finally gotten them to go to bed

Do: Stay up just late enough to make sure they’re not trying to pull your leg and aren’t fucking around.

Don’t: Stay up any later than that.

Really. Don’t. These little punks are gonna wake up at 6:45 at the very latest no matter what. That’s sleeping in for them. If you’ve gotta take an Ambien or a fifth of vodka to make yourself go to sleep at 10 or 11 p.m. then do it. The g/f and I stayed up til like 1 or 1:30 a.m. like usual and were dead weight in the morning. This leads us to the last tip.

They’re awake

Do: Take them somewhere. I chose the free zoo.

Don’t: Expect them to want to chill out on a Sunday morning. They’re doubly monstrous as usual in the morning.

Holy fuck what a couple psychopaths. They’re so adorable but the 3 year old gets a strange aggressive look on her face like she needs blood or fresh air. Try the fresh air route. These babies aren’t fucking around in the morning. Entertain them.

The lady and I chose the free zoo in town. (It doesn’t work for just kids neither!) We used no stroller and made the two little animals walk most of the time. This is great because it drains the energy which puts them to sleep in the car on the way back. You also get bonus points from the parents. They love picking up and driving home with kids who are dead tired. Remember, they put up with this shit all the time. Do them a favor. Remember, once they pick up those kids, you can head right to bed for a well-deserved nap.

Plus, you’ll strangely miss those little punks when they leave and will find yourself remembering cute crap they did while they stayed with you. Jesus, they use some kind of black magic.


About Ken Harris

I like whisky. And whiskey, too. And I like you.
This entry was posted in shitty situational tips, that's life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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