Thanks to all nine of you who voted in the poll. I was going to wait until that magical tenth vote but that might not ever happen. You lazy bastards.You only had to click a button.
And congratulations to the eight of the nine of you who voted for the shitty situational tips for the casual babysitter. Because that is not the one I wanted to win I have half a mind to disappoint you all and not use the phrase “Tits or GTFO” even one time. But I’m a softy and will probably overuse, if anything. Look for that as a Friday evening treat to enjoy while you pregame before getting drunk. We’ll kick start this holiday weekend right.
For the one person who voted for TV contracts for the deserving. A toast to you, I’m on your side. I’ll probably do that one as well, anyway, though at a later date.
Speaking of toasts, I am actually booze free at the moment. It’s getting late and I haven’t eaten yet so I’m not sure I want to start drinking before I even start cooking dinner. I can just imagine how drunkenly belligerent I would get before finishing Thursday’s first thing.
Aw, fuck it.
/pours a bourbon rocks
Let’s do this.
Reason to live: Ice Cream
This is the only time of the year you are allowed to eat ice cream without feeling like a piece of shit. So do it. Do it a lot of times.
The reasoning in everyone’s head is that people eat ice cream in the summer because they are hot and need a nice treat to cool them off. People eat ice cream in the winter because they are fat.
This is utter bullshit, naturally. I personally enjoy ice cream at any and all times guilt-free because I am probably better than you. Or more shameless. Whatevs. And it’s not like anybody enjoys ice cream in the summer because they are just so hot. There are so many much better ways to cool yourself off than eating ice cream. Like shutting the fuck up with that shit. Try that on for size.
Really, ice cold water is better and cheaper for cooling off so we should really quit this shit. But since nothing I ever write or say will ever really effect anybody ever, I guess we’ll all just have to play along with this silly game. At least you will. I will continue to shove ice cream down my drunken fat gullet toutes les temps. (Was that close? Ah, I fucking hated French class,anyway…except for my exceptionally hot TAs. Je vis le reve!)
So, if you need a reason to live, this should suffice for a few months. You can’t off yourself now. Might as well enjoy guilt-free ice cream for a while and then you can kill yourself later.
Reason to kill: You don’t want to go back to prison, man. You can’t go back there!
Why can’t you stay out of trouble, you dumb fucker? Now there’s no choice. You already fucked it up and the plan has gone to hell and the cops are already here.
But you ain’t going back there, man. You just ain’t. Didn’t you guys promise each other that you’d either get away clean or you’d go out with guns blazing?
Time to put up or shut up.
Those dumb fucking pigs. What makes them better than you, anyway. Huh?
Man, I bet Big Juice is just chomping at the bit waiting for you to come back. That fucker’s thirst is unquenchable. Goddammit.
That’s it. Tell my mama I love her.
On three we start shooting shooting and we don’t stop until we’re gone or they are.
Wait. On three or after three? Like 1,2,3 and then go? Or go when you say three?
Reason to die: She’s going out with him
Yeah, dude. Of course she’s with him. Look at him. Look at you. Look at her. It’s not even close.
You’ll never be more than just a friend. You’re such a loser.
You’ll never be as cool as him.
You’re fat and ugly and you’re not slick at at all. Just look at his sweet ass Camaro!
God, your bike is so lame.
You’re a loser and you’re gonna be a loser forever. Unless…
I know a way to make her sorry for not appreciating you. She’ll realize how great you are after she doesn’t have your shoulder to cry on.
There you go. By the way, I didn’t get belligerently drunk until after the second reason.