This column is for those on the brink. I’m talking about the people looking for either just one more reason to live, one more reason to kill or that one last reason to die. Let me recommend the straw to break the camel’s back.
Welcome to your first Thursday’s 3 Things of the summer. I’ve been off of work for about a half hour now and am starting on beer number two so I think I’m ready to roll with this.
Before we get to the meat, I want to point out that I consistently find people I know personally who are infinitely better bloggers than me. Here are two examples: Minou and Warped Coasters. Both of these blogs are much better written than this one. They are written by people with a passion for something and that shows through.
These people make me look like a total piece of shit because all I have a passion for is whining and cussing. Good thing I’m comfortable with that and lack any ambition to move beyond that.
Besides, I clearly have the best advice of anyone ever so ALL YOU FUCKERS WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT ME!
/downs last half of bottle of bourbon
/tries to throw bottle
///mumbles unintelligibly and pisses pants without getting up
As an aside, look for a new weekly column from me over at bareknucks.com. It will be filled with plenty of hate and unfair and cowardly judging, as I hope you’ve come to expect. COMING SOON!
Reason to live: Sexy bodies at the beach and everywhere else you look
Yes, that time of the year has arrived. The post on waterparks served as the precursor but now the time has come to ogle sexy people wearing clothing sparingly all over the place, and especially at the beach.
Did you know there are places you can go and check out people in outfits that are basically their underpants? And then these people get all wet in the water! And you can look because this shit is all normal!
Even parents can get in on the action! Kids love the beach! Take those dumb little fuckers for a fun day at the beach! You can keep one eye on the chirrens (this is a very racist term) to make sure they don’t drown and you can use the other eye to take in the scenery.
I am in a very serious relationship now and have come to terms that my selection is limited for likely the rest of my life, so I am now very acutely aware of, and sensitive to, any and all opportunities to eye fuck everything I can. Suddenly my spank bank is a very, very important aspect of my life.
But sexy people at the beach are perfect. It’s democratic how everyone can enjoy the view! It definitely beats going to a museum to stare at shit. Nature is the ultimate artist. (Yeah, you can use that as a bullshit excuse if you need it.)
Reason to kill: No vacation time
So everybody’s out being sexy at the beach and you’re not. That’s an easy problem to solve: KILL!
People who just graduated, like me, know what I’m talking about. You just started some new job and you’re the bottom of the totem and have no accumulated vacation time. Even if you had some, do you have the balls to use it right away?
Nobody at my job has even broached the subject of vacation time with me and I sure as hell don’t feel secure enough to bring it up. I should because it’s the responsible thing to do but I’m a sissypants and have an irrational fear that, “Oh,no! They’ll think I’m just a clock puncher looking to get time off! They’ll think I’m not the kind of person who goes the extra mile because of my passion for what I do!”
I say this because I get the feeling I’m not the only one with this fear. It sucks because I really do have a passion for what I do. It must really suck for accountants and shit who still must prove they have a passion for accountancy. Who the fuck has ever had a passion for that? That’s what people settle for because they’re too afraid to not make any money after they graduate.
Anyway, working through beautiful day after beautiful day knowing you won’t get even one week-long stretch to enjoy that shit is infuriating and soul-crushing. Shit, even postal workers get out in the sun and are allowed to wear shorts to work. Why the fuck are they killing all their coworkers? Man, I’ve just convinced myself to hate all postal workers until the end of time. I’d previously had some baseless pity for them but fuck that. They probably get great federal benefits and shit, too.
Wow, I think I’ve almost just convinced myself that having no vacation time is a legitimate reason to kill postal workers.
(Note: Don’t you dare blame it on me for your defense if you kill postal workers. I will, in all likelihood, restrain myself from doing it so fuck you and your weak willpower. I’m only here to help, not take a bullet for you.)
Reason to die: Social settings where you are pressured to be in your swimsuit
In keeping with a typical theme of showing how life is full of double-edged swords, having to show your own flabby self to be judged by the sexy is pretty shitty.
What sucks is that this is hard to get around. After all, you don’t want to be the fat guy at the pool with his shirt on as if that hides your fatness. It doesn’t and that’s science.
Personally, I get drunk to dim down the destructive effect this has on my psyche. If you’re under age, well, I don’t know what to tell you other than you need to have a cool personality to convince older people to get you booze so you can do this.
The only other option is to work out and get sexy, I guess.
God that sounds horrible. Just drink instead.
You never know, fat guys who are comfortable with their bodies can at least become friends with sexy girls. Keep that friendship going and you never know when that girl will get crazy drunk and decide she wants to bang you for some diluted, drunk reason. Maybe she’ll decide “you’re such a great guy” or “you’re just so cool.” The best you can do is keep yourself in a good position to have good things happen.