This column is for those on the brink. I’m talking about the people looking for either just one more reason to live, one more reason to kill or that one last reason to die. Let me recommend the straw to break the camel’s back.
I initially intended to photograph my adventures at Madison’s big ol’ annual shitshow block party called Mifflin. However, I was already more than a few bourbon drinks and tequila shots deep before I even left the apartment with my brother (more on him later) and his girlfriend. So I didn’t feel like carrying my girlfriend’s point-and-shoot, which I certainly would have lost or broke, around with me. There are a few photos of me posted by others on Facebook, though. Here’s a classy one.
Look at that. Sad.
And that was before I came into possession of somebody’s pitcher of beer that kept getting filled up somehow. Delicious.
I did not last long but I did get a sweet shirt tan on the back of my neck.
Anyway, I have a follow up job interview tomorrow for a reporting position. The problem is that in the cover letter I sent to this editor awhile ago I included a link to my blog post about WKOW. It was the only decent thing ever written here. The trouble is that if this editor ever takes the initiative to click onto the rest of this blog I am completely screwed. I’m just waiting for the call cancelling our interview after this certain editor reads my graphic description of Kendra Wilkinson and Hugh Hefner’s relationship. Or my description of why you should wear dark sunglasses to Noah’s Ark. Or my tips for handling your girlfriend.
Perhaps I’ll be forgiven for tagging it with “this will not get me a job.” Probably not.
So, let’s destroy my future some more. It’s time for our three things this week. I’ve got you boost right here.
Reason to Live: Peanut Butter
This is the creamiest goodiest tastiest thing ever. Really.
It mixes with all the good sweet things to make them taste better. Dip graham crackers in it and suddenly graham crackers don’t suck. It even makes celery tolerable.
Mix it with chocolate? Perfection. Peanut Butter M&Ms, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Reese’s Pieces. Sublime, all of them.
And that’s not even the best. The best is peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Yeah, jelly or jam are great but honey makes them seem like dog shit on a saltine. PB & honey is the best sandwich combination imaginable.
My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I just wish I wasn’t so fat from eating peanut butter all the time so I could get up and make myself one of these beasts.
I cannot stand the idea of dying because I cannot imagine never eating peanut butter again. People who don’t like peanut butter are all fucking useless. And that’s science.
Reason to Kill: Peanut Allergies
Ho. Lee. Fuck.
You can’t eat peanut butter because you’ll die? That would make me want to kill every bastard who was not allergic to peanuts. Goddammit, you can smell it on everyone’s breath. They eat that delicious shit all the time!
Maybe not right in front of your face but you know they’re doing it back home. Or they’re turning their back to you to get a quick fix. Was that the cracking of a peanut shell you just heard? Time to pull out that shiv you’ve been hiding up your kiester and show ’em they can’t fool you!
If you can’t taste the food of the Gods THEN NO ONE CAN!
And even if you don’t have a peanut allergy, it still finds a way to fuck with you.
Some schools won’t let any kids bring anything with peanuts in it to school in order to protect the kids with allergies. Gah! Must everyone suffer?
Why? Why protect them? They have nothing to live for! Death by peanut butter would be doing them a favor. At least they got to taste the sweet nectar before going to heaven to bitchslap God for being such a cruel prick.
Reason to Die: China is Taking Over the World
Yeah, dude. This is happening. The USA is declining and if you’re like me and are a winner, then you cannot stand to live life as number two.
It is better to die standing up while swallowing a whole bottle of pills than to live on your knees blowing some Chinaman for a receptionist job. Chinaman is the preferred nomenclature, right?
And look at this, China’s babies are getting bigger and fatter. Open your eyes, people, they are creating a huge master race to eat us all.
They’re creating Asian Texans!