Banging big cats, shrinkage and emo philosophy: Thursday’s Three Things

This column is for those on the brink. I’m talking about the people looking for either just one more reason to live, one more reason to kill or that one last reason to die. Let me recommend the straw to break the camel’s back.

I saw The Lion King in the Overture Center in Madison this past week. It was awesome. The girl Rafiki straight rocked “He Lives in You” (it was way better than the link, even)

This was a double win because I not only got to see this show on opening night, but I took my girlfriend for her birthday (the same night!) and got credit for being the wonderful boyfriend who booked her birthday present like two months in advance. I’m such a sweetie.

So this was definitely worth living for. The bonus points with the girlfriend were worth killing for. And the intense lower back pain I still have two days later from sitting still for so long makes me want to die. That should round out the experience.

On a side note, the cheetah costumes from the show just look kind of creepy when you see them in your periphery but if you focus on them it looks like some dude fucking a big cat.

You can't outrun this dick, kitty

Well, it’s Thursday and I haven’t posted since Saturday. Oops. Sorry. You could take that as your reason to kill if you’d like but I’ll give you something else to consider below. So let’s get to it:

Reason to Live: Water slides

I saw the advertisement for this new Noah’s Ark ride in the Disney’s The Lion King program. It almost made me shit my pants. Plus the Indian food I had just eaten was starting to revolt. Anyway, here is what the advertisment says:

Ten stories high. 400-feet long. An initial drop that sends you plummeting down at more than 50-feet per second. Oh, and did we mention America’s firt nearly vertical waterslide loop? Meet the Scorpion’s Tail. Yeah, this might sting a little.

Holy shit, that stings so good! They even highlighted that sentence in the ad. A FUCKING VERTICAL WATERSLIDE LOOP?

This is a can’t miss sort of thing. So come back down from that ledge–slowly, don’t jump–and get in line for this beast.

And don’t give me any shit about how shitty the lines are at waterparks. STFU. Anything good is worth waiting for.

Now I almost gave in to this argument in the name of comedy. Having “Water slide lines” as a Reason to Kill would have been clever and funny and saved me the effort of coming up with anything else. But that would be dishonest of me and I love you too much to lie to you.

Waterpark lines are way better than the lines in other amusement parks because of the swimsuit factor. You yourself can catch a tan while waiting (Apply sunscreen with the appropriate SPF to avoid sunburn and skin cancer!) and, most importantly, you get to go unnoticed as you ogle all the hot young tail you want from behind the safety of your dark sunglasses. (tip: wear dark sunglasses)

Hey, that girl might be underage, like 16 or 17…but she might be 19! Who can tell? Who cares? They won’t know and neither will anyone else. There are no victims! Just enjoy the scenery.

Some day I’ll be a father of a teenage girl and I will NEVER let her go to a waterpark.

As for the women who go, I guess they can enjoy looking at all the dudes’ hairy beer guts. Or they can ogle me. Damn, I’m sexy!

GARRRRRR! You know you want me

Reason to Kill: the 2011 NFL Players’ Lockout

Both sides of the labor dispute, the owners and the players, seem to be miles away from a new Collective Bargaining Agreement. The talk is that it is likely the owners will lockout the players.

This Reason really requires very little explanation. If there is no NFL in 2011 I will kill a lot of people. College football simply is not enough. I’m an addict, like much of this nation, and I will do ANYTHING to fill my cravings.



Reason to Die: Life

Seriously, what’s the point of it all. Why even put up with all the bullshit you have to put up with everyday? Stupid coworkers, bosses, “friends”, family, reality TV.

You work and work and work and what do you get for it in the end? You die. You’re forgotten. I think it was Ecclesiastes who said that everything turns to dust. EVERYTHING. Even that sweet-ass poem you wrote last week about how egocentric everyone is, dude. Someday it, too, will turn to dust.

I just taught myself how to play “Oh Shenandoah” on the piano about a month ago. Why? What good has it done?

WOULD ANYONE EVEN REALLY CARE IF YOU JUST DISAPPEARED? Ugh. And now you’ve got to get your mom some stupid Mother’s Day gift that she probably won’t even like. Just so much effort. And for what?

Gah, fuck it. Those girls in line at the water park would never have anything to do with you, anyway.


There you have it. Ponder that stuff for a while. Make your decision and maybe come up with your own reasons why. Otherwise, I’ll have some more suggestions for you next Thursday. Though, come back before then, I promise to have some more important facts about life throughout the week as well as a documentation of early-in-the-day drunkenness. And maybe our next contributor!


About Ken Harris

I like whisky. And whiskey, too. And I like you.
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One Response to Banging big cats, shrinkage and emo philosophy: Thursday’s Three Things

  1. Pingback: Back flips are so pretentious and who likes anybody from USC?: The dudes you should hate this week |

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