The inaugural Thursday’s 3 Things: the undead, crackhead hobos and Republicans

This column is for those on the brink. I’m talking about the people looking for either just one more reason to live, one more reason to kill or that one last reason to die. Let me recommend the straw to break the camel’s back.

Reason to Live: Zombie Apocalypse

Bite me. Please.

How the hell could anyone want to miss this?

Now for a lot of people, this strikes fear in their heart. But it’s going to be awesome. We’re talking a chance to commit guilt-free slaughter here.

Since the beginning of time people have had to dehumanize their enemies in order to make it easier on their own consciences to kill them. But during the zombie apocalypse this will already have been done for you. These are sort of people but they’re really fucking monsters! Slay them.

Plus these things are likely to have diminished muscular strength from rigor mortis or something so you can spend your time trying out those stupid karate moves you see on martial arts movies. Be young again and pretend to go all Bruce Lee all over these flesh-hungry jagoffs. Hell, go Jackie Chan all over them.

Form awesome possies and shit. Whatever. I assume that Zombieland movie is something like this. I’ve never actually seen it but I doubt there’s any part of it that expands on the trailer.

So, if you are looking for that final reason to convince you that life is worth living just remember that if you die you will miss out on this sweet opportunity. Or if you’re dead you might come back as a zombie to get your ass kicked but, like the people say in the movies when their buddy comes back as the living dead, “That isn’t him in there. He’s dead.”

Note: This could also be considered something to kill for.

(Photo via

Reason to Kill: Smoking bans

Fact: Smoking bans have caused Lindsay Lohan to unravel.

First of all, I am not a smoker but I used to be. Okay, I will smoke if I’m really drunk but cigarettes make me want to hurl when I’m sober. For some reason, though, I’m fine with secondhand smoke. In fact, in some settings I expect to be around it.

Now smoking bans do not serve as a reason to kill because they trample on bar owners’ property rights or some shit, but just because having nowhere to smoke really wears on your nerves. I lived in San Francisco for a year when I was in my smoking prime and the complete lack of places to smoke drove me insane. I nearly left a pile of dead crackhead hobos in my wake.

Basically, I would be curious to see if anyone could find a way to measure how many murders have been committed by smokers who are constantly  on edge more than at any previous times. Does this number exceed the number of people who would otherwise die from cancer caused by secondhand smoke? Where’s Sherlock Holmes.

Anyway, if you’re gonna kill and just needed that one last nudge, this is a good one. “Man, maybe I shouldn’t kill someone. Maybe I should just go to the bar, have a bourbon and a smoke. Oh wait. GAH!”

Note: I do not condone or encourage murder, but whatever.

(Photo: Muse Magazine)

Reason to Die: This fall’s elections

No. Really. I was just reading your shirt.

I’m definitely not an expert on politics but it seems like everyone is writing off the Democrats now because people can’t stand some grandiose social legislation. It seems like every political article predicts that the Republicans will take back congress in the fall elections because people aren’t satisfied with the health care reform.


They haven’t even given it a chance yet. Don’t these fucking fuckers remember how shitty of a job the Republicans just got done doing? And now they hate the Democrats for doing the opposite?


And if you’re one of these fucks then don’t tell me you’re just pissed because the Democrats haven’t fixed the economy yet. A total economic de-ass-raping takes a little time.

I’m really not a bleeding heart liberal or anything. I’m just left of center so it’s not like I’ve invested so much emotional capital in Obama and his cult of change or anything. It’s really just that Republicans seem like such pricks that I can’t root for them. And neither can the rest of the world and that’s a problem.

I also don’t want to hear bitching about government interference. Without at least some government interference in the market you end up with The Jungle for Christ sake. Mmmm, I love the taste of human hand and rat shit in my ground beef!

Well, considering I don’t have any health insurance, I just might have no choice but “Die” here. That sucks. I was really hoping to stomp some zombie ass.


About Ken Harris

I like whisky. And whiskey, too. And I like you.
This entry was posted in me so angry!, thursday's 3 things and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The inaugural Thursday’s 3 Things: the undead, crackhead hobos and Republicans

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